Funny Stuff

Okay, now that all three of my fans have voted and the results show that two out of three want more funny stuff, here's the funny stuff:

Brain Candy
Based on an email that’s doing the rounds
(At rise, Spot slightly off centre STAGE R, on a teller’s booth facing front. PATRICIA is sitting behind the glass, apparently counting notes. STAGE L is in darkness. Enter KERMIT, R, in full frog costume. He strolls nonchalantly to the booth and raps smartly on the glass. PATRICIA looks up, slightly startled)

KERMIT
Excuse me, Miss…?

PATRICIA
Patricia… Patricia Whack. How may I help you sir?

KERMIT
How do you do, Miss Whack? I need a loan

PATRICIA
I see… how much and for what purpose, sir?

KERMIT
I need 30 thousand dollars (beat) to go on vacation

PATRICIA
(Startled)
Thirty thou – er… do you have any ID, sir?

KERMIT
No, but my name’s Jagger, Kermit Jagger. I’m Mick’s tadpole

PATRICIA
Mick’s…? Er… but… I need some ID or collateral, sir,

KERMIT
(Fumbles in his pocket and pulls out a small pink elephant. Hands it to Patricia)
Here, this should do it. Don’t worry, the manager knows me
(beams at PATRICIA)

PATRICIA
(Standing up, uncertainly)
Er… I don’t know… do you mind if I check with the manager?

KERMIT
Of course not. Go ahead, please, I’m sure you’ll find everything’s fine, just fine

(PATRICIA starts to go STAGE L as the spot R fades down and spot L fades up to reveal the MANAGER in profile, behind a desk facing STAGE R. PATRICIA comes into the spot. Manager looks up)

MANAGER
Yes, Patty?

PATRICIA
Er… sir… there’s a f-f-frog who’s walked in asking for a loan

MANAGER
(Unperturbed)
I see… how much? And his name?

PATRICIA
He – he says his name is Kermit Jagger. He wants Thirty (gulps) Thirty Thousand Dollars, sir… and all he has for collateral is this
(flourishes the pink elephant)

MANAGER Hm… I see…

PATRICIA
I mean… sir… what IS this?
(almost hysterical)

MANAGER
It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone

BLACKOUT