Bachelor Recipe # 1: Egg Masala Poppadum

Fast and furious recipes for bachelors (apart from "dial Smokin' Joe's"), to be applied at 2 a.m., when Smokin' Joe's and all other bachelor providers are fast asleep.

Ingredients:
Onion: The quarter lurking in the egg tray will do.
Eggs: 2 recommended, one will do if it's all there is in the egg tray - apart from the half or quarter onion.
Poppadum: Large recommended. Small will do if you aren' t too picky about how much a square inch of Poppadum accommodates. (If you are, go away, you're no bachelor).
Salt: They sell it in huge ole sacks of 500 grams at most supermarkets. Should last you six months if a true bachelor. About ten years if you're a summer bachelor (the poor sods who get respite from their wives once a year).
Pepper: See above.
Chili powder: The drunker you are, the more you need. Adjust accordingly.
Chaat Masala (optional): Unique to India. Use with care.
Coriander leaves: Whine a few from the married female upstairs.

Method ("Methodology" is extra syllables to make you look smart. We're on a lean, mean, bachelor strategy here):

Hard boil the eggs.
That means, put them in water so that the water just covers the eggs, then place the vessel on the stove, light it and wait for the eggs to start dancing. When they've danced for about five minutes, switch off the stove.

If you're female you'll already have chopped the onion while the eggs are boiling. If you're a true bachelor you'll have a drink while watching the eggs dance. When you switch off the stove, it's time to chop the quarter/half of onion that was occupying a whole egg slot in your fridge. This is actually a better strategy than the wives/girlfriends admit. You've had a drink watching the eggs dance and are now chopping the onion while the eggs cool. They would have chopped the onion while the egg boiled and would now be nagging you to quit whatever it is that gives you pleasure. I'd like to keep this blog "G" rated, please.

The eggs will still not have cooled yet (unless you were wise enough to drain the hot water in the vessel and replace it with cold water) so let's tackle the poppadum.

Roast it (recommended; easiest way to make them edible. Just light the smaller burner on your gas stove, place the poppadum on it and keep rotating it as it turns black) or fry it (no idea how this is done).

Keep the poppadum on a plate and go look for the remnants of egg your dogs have mercifully left you (what? you didn't know bachelors keep dogs?). Pile whatever egg shreds you can find, along with the chopped quarter/half onion, a pinch of salt, chili powder as desired, coriander leaves torn apart by fingers (since I forgot to tell you they have to be chopped too), pepper and chaat masala onto the roasted/fried (you actually managed to do that?) poppadum.

Squeeze a slice of lime (optional, since I forgot to list it as an ingredient) over the whole mess.

Eat.

Wake up tomorrow and forget this blog exists.

You'll be okay by 2 p.m., as usual.

Deepak